Although I will be presenting absolutely no credible and accurate data, I would like to share a study I have been vigorously conducting over the years. At one point or another I’m sure most of us have lied to ourselves and promised “I’m never drinking again.” Silly creatures we are. Overwhelmed with guilt and still looking for the dignity that was lost over the weekend, we sadly attempt to fool ourselves into believing such a heinous statement.
Now, I cannot generalize the entire Earth’s population based off my findings for my study has lacked all the necessary components to yield accurate results. What I can tell you is that I have discovered an anomaly amongst us humans. A strange deviation. Maybe even discovered a new species. I have referred to these humans as Professional Infidels.
These abnormal humans exhibit exotic and particularly hostile behaviors over the weekend. These behaviors typically begin showcasing at 5:00pm on Friday. All week these creatures have molded and camouflaged themselves into normal society. Drifting unnoticed from Monday through Thursday, they assimilate to the standards upheld by normal people. They drink their silly Starbucks and pretend to be as charismatic as they said they were on their resumes. However, their true colors bleed bright when Friday approaches.
This phenomenon appears to be a strange condition. A disease of some sort. During my pursuits to reveal more information on these people, I have termed this disease Professional Infidelity. They appear to be in a committed relationship to professionalism, and then when the clock strikes 5:00pm on Friday, everything goes to hell. This monogamous relationship is now a love triangle of bad decisions, hangovers, and pickle-back shots. All the sudden its acceptable to pay $10 for some pickle juice mixed with whiskey.
Morals and standards get left aside for a weekend bender, and when Monday rolls around its time for a fresh start. They’ve cheated all weekend long on their partner “professionalism” and they stumble into Monday begging for forgiveness. Apologies get accepted, and life moves on. Just as lives are pieced back together, it’s Friday and time to start all over.
Undoubtedly, it’s a vicious cycle. I will adamantly continue to follow this phenomenon and reveal more of its secrets. Stay tuned.
Gerhard Veit, Co-Founder